Welcome, friends…
Today we delve into the dark psychology of relationships, and discover why sometimes it’s easier to just be alone.
We’ve lived together for over 5 years now, and I love her with all of my being.
I don’t think I’ve ever really properly told her how much I do adore her, or how much she has changed my life for the better. She’s been such a large part of my existence now that I don’t think I could, at this point in my life, really discern where I end and she begins.
Isn’t that how it goes sometimes, though, when love is involved? You get so wrapped up in each other that you start to feel like there’s really no difference between you, or that you lose track of yourself in those moments where you’re staring at each other from across a room.
It’s those moments I look forward to the most, I think.
Sometimes, when she’s sleeping, I just can’t help but lay next to her and stare at her face... the lines of her cheeks as her hair falls softly across them. Sometimes there’s the little curl and I stroke my fingers over it. Just a small bit, though, because I really don’t want her to wake and ruin her sleep.
She works hard, after all, and needs as much rest as she can get. I’d hate to be the one to cause her any distractions.
She’s been working that job now for what... two years? Something like that. I remember when she first got hired. She’d called her friend Sammy and told her how happy she was, and that she’d finally be able to maybe get that new computer she’d been looking at for ages. I could hear Sammy talking her up, being the really cool and supportive friend I’ve always known her to be.
But then my gal—I love calling her that—got sucked into the corporate life and got herself lost in it.
The politics of that place are just horrible. I can see the lines on her face getting worse by the month from all the stress she has to go through. One manager after another, all vying for control over their little fiefs, their Realms of Corporate Orthodoxy, and my girl getting stuck between all of them demanding this or that from her.
I am so glad I left that corporate overload long ago. I don’t miss it at all.
I remember there was one time when... what was her name? Oh, yeah. Tina. I remember there was this one time when Tina, the secretary for that Solomon guy who ran Human Resources, told me that Solomon needed these papers done by the next morning, but the problem was I was also being told by 3 other people that I needed their papers done by the next morning, too. How the hell is one supposed to accomplish all of that, be able to get home, eat, and maybe catch a god damned nap before having to get up at 5:30AM the next day and maybe have enough wherewithal to remember how to even get to the place again, let alone lack of sanity enough to want to do it all over again to begin with.
Wasn’t long after that I called it all quits and moved to this little burg, settling in for a new life.
That’s when I met her, you know. Did I tell you about that, yet? No? I don’t think I have.
Well, it was really weird that day. I wasn’t sure if I was even going to go to the bar, because so much had happened, between the mail guy losing my last check Corporate had sent to my new address and me losing my freaking mind trying to remember where I had packed up my old tax papers because I knew I’d end up needing them as a form of ID so I could get the damn license change like they said I’d need to do and between those and me being just plain exhausted from the move itself...
I just didn’t know what to do. My gut said, “No. Just stay home and get some sleep because tomorrow would look a lot different.” I decided not to listen, and I am so glad I did.
I don’t know if she even really noticed me at first. Not really. She was kind of self-absorbed back then. You know? Like... not in a bad way, really. Just that sort of mindset you get when you’re young and don’t really have a clue what you’re doing other than just surviving. You need to have a bit of selfishness then, I think. No big deal. Survival instincts.
But I was really, I guess you could say, smitten by her the moment she passed me by.
I’d been sitting at the bar, slowly nursing a Long Island Iced Tea and wondering what the heck I was supposed to do with the rest of my days now that I didn’t have a job—a job I’d been good at for a lot of years. How could I be such a dumbass and just flat-out quit my job and move to a completely different town on a whim without a single prospect of what I’d do once I got there?
Here I thought I was a smart one.
But, fate, the universe, karma, I don’t care what you call it... stepped in. And stepped in hard.
Because that’s when she walked past me, heaving to one of the small tables at the back of the bar with that little smile on her face I’ve gotten to know so well.
She was wearing a dress, which I’ve come to learn is actually a real rarity with her. It was one of those flowy sort of summer dresses you might see on a girl in the south. Light, pretty, and just enough there to not distract from the beauty of the person wearing it.
Yeah. I was doomed from the start with this one.
She was with a couple of other people but I did not really give much attention to them at the time. I learned later one of them was Sammy, and the other was Sammy’s Boyfriend of the Day. Those are about as common, I guess, as a penny.
Not that there’s anything really wrong with having a lot of boyfriends, but it’s just not my style and definitely not my girl’s style, either.
Fine for some. Not for everyone.
Anyway, she sat at the table with her friends and they kept on with their conversation as I got up from the bar and walked closer.
As I got closer she gave me a smile, and that’s when our story really began.
We were living together within a week and I can tell you... I have never been happier in my life.
She’s done so much for me. It’s the little things more than big, really, but I don’t think I could ever be without her at this point in my life.
Like a desperate child seeking a drink of water in a dry desert, her presence is all I need to get by.
I think I do the same for her, too, though sometimes it’s hard to tell. She’s so quiet when she’s home, just going through the motions sometimes, I think, of being a person with a particular set of problems and not really knowing how to get through them. That’s really not an easy thing, especially when one is young, but no matter how experienced one is in life, those moments, those periods of time where life hits you with one thing after another can be difficult at best.
Nightmarish at worst.
Thankfully those times do seem fleeting for her, and I’d like to think I have even the barest hint of participation in that. She never says it, but I believe, with all my heart, that me being here with her makes a difference in her life.
I can, at least, be grateful for that. Her happiness means everything to me, even more than my own.
It’s in those quiet moments that I, even from across a long room, can see how much she cares about me and, dare I say, even has thoughts of the future for us. Quiet or not, reading a book or listening to music on her headphones, I can tell I am there, if just a little bit, in the back of her mind, and that gives me a great amount of hope. Sometimes she will give a little smile or a giggle and my heart fairly soars out of my chest, let me tell you.
Sparkling eyes lighting up the world around her, no matter what she’s doing, and I am so glad I can be a part of it.
Our relationship has moved really slowly, but that’s okay with me. We haven’t even taken the moment to make love with each other, but that’s, if I’m being honest, more about me than her. I’ve been burned by that kinda thing too many times in my life, and moving fast is definitely not for me. I’m okay with waiting however long we need to move things more forward from where they are now.
Just being here with her is enough.
I also don’t really mind that I have to use one of the spare rooms in her house and not the bedroom she uses. That, too, was my own choice. She didn’t even have to say anything about it before I just took it. That unspoken agreement between us is as important to her, I think, as myself.
We’ll take it as slow as we both need and just enjoy the fact we’re together.
Our 5 year anniversary is coming up in just another week, and I admit I am really nervous about it. 5 years is a pretty significant amount of time as a couple and most people make a big to-do about it. They’ll go out to dinner, the opera, whatever, and invite all their friends to come participate and celebrate and just...
I don’t know. Is that really me? I’ve always been on the quiet side. My mom called me Squirrel for a reason.
But is doing some shebang a big deal for her? I don’t know. We haven’t really talked about it at all, though I’ve thought about broaching the subject with her many times. I’ve yet to hear her mention anything to Sammy when she calls, but that doesn’t mean she’s not thought about it, herself.
Maybe I should just speak about it. Just let the words out and be done with it, even prove my mom wrong, maybe, in the process. She always tried to claim I didn’t have the courage to stand up for what I really want, and... well. Maybe she was right.
That still doesn’t feel great, though, even if she was just trying to help.
I guess, really, it just comes down to what my girl would want.
Five years. Man, time really does go so fast when you’re not wanting it to, doesn’t it?
Maybe I’ll talk to her about it tonight, after all. I can just crawl into bed with her, wake her up with that little caress I love to do, and I can finally let myself go and make love with her like I know she really wants more than anything.
I guess after five years of my living here, it’s time to finally introduce myself to her. I know how much she enjoys surprises.
Brilliant slow burn that completly nails the reveal. The way the narrator justifies everything as normal relationship behavior while droppingall these red flags is masterful. That final line about finally introducing himself after five years living there hits like ice water. I had a moment halfway through where I thought maybe this was just about social anxiety but nope, way darker than expected.
Yeah, that was pretty creepy! Nicely done.